


John Laurens will never be satisfied

by Hammylams



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bisexual Male Character, F/M, Gay Male Character, I'm Bad At Tagging, John Needs A Hug, M/M, Marriage, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-19 00:11:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14224887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hammylams/pseuds/Hammylams
Summary: John laurens has fallen in love and now he knows he can never be happy with who he wishes to be. This is just a short fragment of a man who will never be satisfied.





	1. Who will truly be satisfied?

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I love Lams but I guess I really need prompts to do much with them. I don't think this will be updated daily like my previous work but I hope there will be regular updates. Once again inspired from this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu8aBrNNh0M&t=8s and I can't thank Mush Roomie enough for their fantastic content. And lyrics or dialogue from the musical will be in italics (remembered to put it in the notes in the beginning this time).
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

_Alright, alright. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!_

John Laurens knew he was drunk. Normally, this would be a huge problem... no not huge, an Alexander Hamilton shaped problem.

And that was quite small. At least when it came to the height issue. Other areas were more... endowed.

His relentless giggles that would normally pop out like moles from a peaceful countryside area were drowned out in the mass of giggles and cheers from the guests littered in the wedding reception. His best man speech had just been given while he was shit faced but he was proud to say that he had survived through it with minimal embarrassment.

He was surprised since his heart felt so weighted and ready to drown in a sea of misery and rejection. But he held strong and true; if not for himself, then for Hamilton - the one who deserved such a grand night like this. The man who had so selfishly captured his heart and then made sure he could never give it back.

Despite this, John held nothing but love and affection for the man - he could never hold contempt or anger. Not when the blame rested solely on himself - like the guilt of a remorseful criminal. And surely, although he himself often doubted it, the crimes of a sodomite were much more nasty that that of a slave trader.

He would never normally believe it or hold it as a value but nowadays, as his heart had been worn down by dollops of pain, it was easier to accept what came into the drunken haze of his mind at moments like this. He was never a happy drunk - never one to have fun around or to want to have much contact with but his friends had suffered through it.

He knew that only misery would come out of the event if he got smashed but as the hours were slain at the impending event he knew he needed something strong to get through the wedding and oncoming reception. He had got a few pints of Sam Adams and welcomed the misadventures that would come.

Everything had happened so sweetly that he knew Alexander wouldn't be disappointed in him. Strangely, that hurt more - if Alexander didn't hate or be annoyed in him, then how could John get through further interactions through him.

Nothing was working out for him but he had accepted that a long time ago - back in South Carolina, when he knew he would never be happy with a normal life. A normal existence seemed so plain and lifeless in the face of who he was and the life he wished to lead - he wanted to abolish slavery, and yet knew true freedom would never come until sodomy was not socially frowned upon.

It was a very good thing that hadn't spilled from his mouth during his best man speech - that would have turned a few heads and he imagined things wouldn't have turned out so grandly.

_Now everyone give it up for the maid of honour_   
_Angelica Schuyler!_

He nervously glanced around at the fellow attendants at the wedding to see if there was any cracks in his mask - the persona of a friend overjoyed at his friends new position in life. Thankfully, among those who were off their heads or too caught up in the emotional bliss of the whole thing, no one seemed too concerned.

He was glad that nothing had happened during his main role of the wedding. He wanted Alexander to have the perfect memories of the whole event and he didn't want to tarnish any of the day. Even if, selfishly, he wanted the whole thing to have never happened or to be ruined forever through some unforeseen action by an anonymous person.

He could wish.

Still though, he could feel his face getting redder and redder with every passing second and he knew he needed to wrap up things before he lost all coherence and intelligence and started blabbing on about inane memories or pointless facts and conjectures. And, of course bad memories.

Or maybe very sweet memories, although many would beg to differ. Memories of Alexander and the wonders he could do with his hands when they weren't wrapped around one quill or another, and what his mouth could do when he wasn't in a heated argument with Charles Lee or another idiot nobody.

Very bad thoughts indeed.

He could see Lafayette and Hercules in his vicinity - concern and care written all over their features at what they saw at the plight of poor John Laurnes. He didn't need their pity although he appreciated it and he knew that his role was now wrapped up.

With some hesitance at parting from the spotlight for he knew that now nothing would lie in wait for the rest of the nights outcome. The happy couple of Alexander Hamilton and Elizabeth Schuyler Hamilton would run away into the night and create happy memories that only true newlyweds would ever share.

He had been somewhat stricken of that but he knew that his efforts and wants were not in line with society.

So he hastily swayed the focus to Angelica Church who gave a soft thank you at the quick change to her. He sat back to listen to her speech which everyone knew would be something to admire and gawk at since everyone knew the kind of inspirational women she was.

It was painful, seeing how many better people then him there were for Alexander. But the mans choices had already been made and now John Laurens could only sit back and watch helplessly.

He thought he may have heard a quiet "Jesus fucking Christ laurens" from the normally very sharp and outspoken women who he had just heralded all the rooms attention to but he shook it off although the quiet nagging of suspicions and theories of her slight anger or at least understanding that seemed to emanate from her eyes.

It was all rather strange but right now he wanted to drown the world out and wallow in his own doubts and inner thoughts.

Soft applause wafted through the air at her introduction as she began to sing.

_A toast to the groom!_

The woman seemed to glare at her glass of wine at the mention of the man as though she was sucked of all pleasure... was she going through something similar? But John hardly noticed as he grimaced and looked to the floor to avoid the repetitious chorus of the mans name. Even if it wasn't the mans direct name, it was quite difficult to swallow and accept.

It took a lot of effort to accept the shift in atmosphere and happiness of the two individuals who had taken charge of the cheer and memorability of the wedding, and to make sure that no tears or proper signs of misery betrayed the twos stoic faces. But they managed.

Perhaps it was because, as John stared at the newlyweds table, they were not being viewed by the two people who they were keeping up their heroic act for. Indeed; the cheery face of Alexander Hamilton who was smiling with clear mirth and joy at a joke or flattering comment his wife (and wasn't that hard to say) had made.

_To the bride!_

John couldn't help but let his face slip into one of green and vile envy and annoyance at the woman and happy couple who seemed to be gloating at him - as though they were superior for their love. As though she was superior for having caught the heart of Alexander when John had never managed to, when only Alexander had managed to capture his heart and now held it like an evil villain would do to a princess in a fairy tail.

And really, she was better than him. In too many ways for John Laurens to count. The admiring chants of her name from men and women alike revealed all - admiration, attraction, a desire for the wealth and power she held as well as influence and looks that although not as strong as Angelica's, would capture many men's eyes.

Including Alexanders eye. John had used to refer to him as 'his' but had dropped that. It was merely an illusion - a fantasy.

He had had enough. He needed to let of some steam or he knew he would upturn a table. From behind him, as he stood up with the speed to rival a cheetah, he could feel the eyes of Lafayette filled with endless concern watch him like a bird from prey. He knew that what was going to go down may not turn out well but he also knew that stopping John now would have countless consequences.

Smart man he was.

_From your sister_

John didn't know why he decided to leave the reception above all. He knew he should worry that he might ruin the grand atmosphere and good nature of the evening but he knew escape from enemy territory was needed. It hurt to think of the happy place in such a negative light but if he didn't, if he started trying to lie himself into thinking it was all alright, then he would snap.

Just a few minutes away from all the troubles in his life, even if he could still hear the gleeful chants of Angelica softly floating out of the building like the smell of a freshly baked delicacy. It was all too much and yet not enough at the same time - at least for what Alexander deserved.

He deserved much better than the world - much better than John. And now he had Eliza. John couldn't even lie it was out of necessity like Alexander had said a few times as comfort to John in the few (too few) weeks leading up to the ceremony. There was clear joy and love between the couple on both ends and delusions of less from John would only lead to future heartache.

_Who is always by your side_

Angelica had offered to this as a form of comfort - what Alexander had offered him despite the obvious lie it was for both men, especially once the revolution was over. If they both even survived it. John had though, truthfully, offered it - he would drop all aspects of his life for Alexander in the future since he doubted he had much of a life that would ever be as entertaining or joyous without the man who had made his life worth living.

The bitter reminder from the cacophony of voices in the audience of the couples union and being by each others side brought him to his needs as he wisely leaned against the balcony. He needed support at this moment to accept the reality that he had been so thoroughly staving off for the past few weeks.

Of the love and connection between the new husband and wife who were so happy and wrapped in each other.

_To your union_   
_And the hope that you provide_

Of course, he thought bitterly, they would be the model couple - the ones who represented the revolution and freedom. Yes, they were two people born from two backgrounds but when it came down to it, did they truly show change? Maybe it was just his biased view but he didn't see anything different in the pair. He knew he was being gloomy and his normally dull company would now just be filled with with tension and unpleasantness.

He needed to snap out of it and at least appear somewhat presentable for people, especially if someone was to come out and check up on him. Like Lafayette; Hercules; or even Alexander.

John wasn't sure he wouldn't immediately throw himself off the balcony then. See what their union gave to the revolution when a soldier randomly committed suicide on their joyous night. But he couldn't ruin it for Alexander so he held strong.

He knew his needs and sacrifices would all be in vain for the other man but they held significance for him and that was all that mattered.

_May you always…_   
_Be satisfied_

He followed along with those words - they were a repeat of his earlier humorous words to the couple as a dirty innuendo. For the couple to always "be satisfied", for Alexander to make sure she never got bored. Now, to most, they would act as a loving gift for happiness from Angelica to her sister and now brother in law but John could hear the hidden sullen tone and slight grief in her words.

He knew they had echod in his own words and now understood she herself had understood his sentiments. She had acknowledged their shared regrets and in a way that made it all the more real - the pain, the unrequited feelings.

He had found someone he could wallow away from the feelings with and somehow that only made things worse. The pain as well as the rejection. The world now seemed colder and more at odds and opposition to him.

_Rewind, Rewind_   
_Helpless, sky's, sky's_   
_Drownin' in em_   
_Drownin', rewind_

He felt like Alice as she fell through the rabbit hole. His mind consumed him as memories of both their first interactions as well as the painful few weeks he had just sat through flashed and spiralled through his mind.

He knew the drones of rewinds that now seemed to beam and pounce upon him were from the deepest fantasies of his mind as unhelpful thoughts circulated around him. He didn't want to go through this again but now he would once again know what it was like to never be satisfied.


	2. Rewind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promised I would update this every few days, and a new part of Squip daddy should be on tuesday (it's all going well promise). I do enjoy writing these despite the angst and if I do more I might do one on congratulations (although suggestions are always welcomed and wanted). Also I know that Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens meet in a pub during the day but I promise the idea of the two nights will all tie in.
> 
> Anyway hope you guys enjoy.

_I remember that night, I just might (rewind)_

He felt like he was floating in a sea of darkness as tears sprung up and floated away into the endless night that coated the world in a comforting blanket of black. Here; tears and the rest were small pieces that would soon vanish and not leave even a single mark upon the earth. It was painful to think back to that night - nights, really.

The one where he had met the man of his dreams and then fully realised his feelings, and the night it was all taken away.

_I remember that night, I just might (rewind)_  
_I remember that night, I remember that?_

He felt like a phantom as he fell like an anchor into the past. Where painful memories stirred and pooped up to torment him for the life he could never have and the memories that would sting and be forever tainted by the nature of his feelings. He didn't know what he had done to deserve the wrath of god (for that seemed to be the only possible explanation for all that had happened) but he would kill for it all to be taken away.

For him to be happy and content although he knew that would never happen.

_I remember that night, I just might_  
_Regret that night for the rest of my days_

The first memory... was the night of that ball. It had only been what, a month? And yet the scent of naivety, no... stupidity seemed to emanate around the room. He was merely a phantom, a ghost who didn't belong in the scenario he was seeing so vividly. But he knew so much of the night - like the back of his hands, really. After all; he had scoured and had many repeated flashbacks to this fateful night.

His blushing, nervous, idiotic past self who seemed to stand innocently, although pitifully at the corner of the room. That slight blush had been from a less than appropriate comment Alexander had whispered playfully in his ears before he had been gathered by their entourage of acquaintances to make do with the, and I quote:

LADIES!!!

Aaron Burr, Hercules Mulligan and Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette who were the true kings of romance (and those weren't self-applied titles or labels - ask half the ladies in that very room and they would attest to that much)had led Alexander away from John to get acquainted with the fellow women of the ball.

Although from their reactions it was clear the women were thought of more like prey. Lafayette and himself were married for crying out loud but when you were in a revolution, he supposed morals and legal matters could be dropped like dignity and humanity on the battlefield.

_I remember those soldier boys_  
_Tripping over themselves to win our praise_

He could still hear Angelica's voice. No... this was part of her speech to the bride and groom. He wasn't sure why he could hear her voice when he had been so consumed with himself as his mind relentlessly brought him back to this cursed night but John supposed he was only getting brought out from his pity and wallowing to hear and share in Angelica's story and pain.

He thought back to what that night must have been like for her. She must have been recounting her introduction to Alexander to all the attendants at the wedding. Looking back, the soldiers plans at wooing and inciting romance inside the hearts of the ladies had been rather pitiful and desperate.

Still, Alexander had been suave and sexy and had captured many hearts and eyes that night - even though he was his, a small part of John allowed to say desperately before being crushed by reality and John himself - so he had ultimately come out looking the best. No wonder she had fallen for Alexander - he had and he knew she was a much better person than himself and would easily be able to bring satisfaction to Alexander's life.

But she was also a married woman which would complicate things but, once again, in a revolution...

But after flirting and wowing the room with his presence, Alexander had drunkenly turned back to John and had practically screeched into John's face about the wonders and advantages of ladies. Especially RICH ladies. John sighed - did Alexander not understand that he wasn't like him. He couldn't just love or feel something for anyone. In fact, he hadn't felt an attraction to anyone except the man who was looking at him with so much love and care, even in his drunken haze.

He truly felt sorry for Martha and their child and he hoped his true nature would never come out - neither his legacy nor those two sweet people who had been stuck with him deserved that. Alexander could deal with it - he didn't seem to really care that much but John knew even he could make mistakes and mishandle the heart that had been ripped from John.

Still though, it was no time to lament on such painful background details as the phantom John watched with glum disinterest and bubbling anger at his past self who had not only just given a non-committal "yeah" at Alexander's comment. It was sad really but he knew there was nothing else for it.

He also saw his past self, who had further shrunken at the comment, quickly morph his face into one of clear disgust, not only at his comment but also the atmosphere that had now reverberated around the room as the men had trotted along to claim their victims.

Alexander, being the person he was, had noted his friends voice and the almost dead like nature that lay beneath the fake emotions, although it wasn't hard to see the true nature behind them.  
"Are you sure, we could always go someplace else or..."

The rest of the sentence had been left hanging. Someone who barely knew the man would think he had run out of words or ideas, or was merely suggesting something illegal and promiscuous. But John knew better with all the deep concern and comfort that laced those words. He knew that Alexander was ready to go with John to some quiet location and waste away a night as ripe with potential as this to be a comfort to John.

To waste away a free night getting drunk or continuing their private actions. But John knew that wasn't what Alexander would want no matter how many times the other man objected so with a heavy heart and a controlled voice he studiously replied:

"Nah it's fine, I might just hang back for a bit. Anyway, I would feel bad for Martha if..."

That was a half truth. He did care for his wife, even if he could never love her like a husband should. But he also needed to be selfless for once - to see and satisfy Alexanders needs for once. Looking back, this small action would leave Alexander to have his many needs satisfied for all eternity. Just away from John.

"Uhh sure, just tell if you would like to accompany me to someplace much more, mischievous, my dear laurens." He didn't sound convinced and had clear doubts about John's intentions and desires but John placated them with a quick smile and soon the other man was off. Present John had to turn away from this; at Alexanders clear blindness of John's emotions.

No.

That wasn't fair. To either of them. Alexander was better than that and John had been the main cause of the two's departure.

_I remember that dreamlike candlelight_  
_Like a dream that you can’t quite place_

John had spent a few moments looking at the simple candle after that. It burned brightly despite it's little impact or place in the world - a metaphor for the soldiers who fuelled the revolution, he thought with a new sense and reflection on his life. He should be more careful, especially with his curly hair that bounced dangerously close to the bright flames that gently swayed and sprouted from the small wax figure.

Still, even though that would cause a scene and mass embarrassment, it would give him a reasonable explanation to depart from the event. It would also give a reason for Alexander to depart from the pleasant company of the many woman who littered the fancy room. But that was stupid and John must have looked crazy.

Present John could attest to his past self who had appeared in all ways to be a man who had lost it. It was pitiful but at that time his thoughts had been consumed on other subjects.

_But Alexander, I’ll never forget the first_  
_Time I saw your face_

Angelica had sung that with a slight giggle. Perhaps she wasn't as sober as she should have been. But John didn't mind; she was in a much better position than him. besides she could pass it off as a joke far more than him - a respectable, married woman who was now related to the man in question would hardly raise even a frown from the many drunk attendants.

Especially compared to the drunken soldier who had love eyes for the groom and who was always talking about freedom - why not for everyone? Why not for the legalisation of the love of two people not bound apart by gender.

So of course she rambled into her story. Of a dance and less than innocent flirtations but John had lost all recollection of the inner wedding reception at this point.

Instead he was struck with the last memory that haunted him. The last time he had seen Alex's face before he lost the man forever. He saw that happy beaming face of a man who had so much ahead of him and would not throw away his shot. He had a million things to do and one was to find a wife. Find a better position in life and he had found that in the Schyleur's.

John could only watch helplessly as he was once again struck back to that damn day. The day that all this had begun - when he learnt of what love was, and the night he learnt what making love to someone truly meant.

He could only stare at that happy face of Alexander's as he was morphed to years prior in 1776 when he had met the man.

The first day he had met Alexander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed. Any errors I haven't fixed can be noted in the comments to make this the best fic it can possibly be. Listening to the lightning thief musical while writing this was quite useful funnily enough. I wonder if Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen will produce the same writing feelings within me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic isn't cancelled but revision and stuff has gotten in the way a lot lately. I'm glad to be writing another chapter though (I've got another chapter of Squip daddy to be uploaded soon).

_I have never been the same_

Their first meeting had been... awkward, to say the least. The environment and individuals around us were engrossed in distributing rebel ideals and Lafayette as well as Hercules were poking fun at Aaron Burr. John had joined in but had soon stopped when he saw the man sitting beside Aaron.

Alexander Hamilton was almost impossible to not notice. Some might say it was because of his voice. After all, the man hardly seemed to ever shut up. John found that endearing and fun in its own way but he wouldn't deny that it could captivate crowds - in both a good and bad sense. However, it was the man's handsome features that had caught John's eyes.

Despite the other man's small statute, it only compacted and stressed his attractive features such as his little peach fuzz which seemed to want to prove the man attached to it was an adult but only made him look scruffy. And damn sexy, thought John. He hadn't really noticed he was staring at the other man until Alexander started fidgeting with his lower lip with his top.

John had been staring and was creeping out the attractive man. Dammit. He knew he had no chance anyway but now he had shot himself in the foot. Maybe he could blame it on the alcohol.

The light blush on Alexander's cheek had made emotions he wouldn't even feel in this situation, such as hope, creep up inside him. It could be dangerous but he had hope and that was enough.

Then he heard the two drunken fools behind him. At John's blush, the two had taken it as a confession. Lafayette had sighed "finally" with clear happiness and the clearance of exhaustion. How long had he suspected this? It was weird, but at least he knew the French man wasn't disturbed. Lafayette was pretty open and accepting, but John had never known how to breach the subject but now he felt more comfortable.

Of course, he didn't like the men's open admission and cuing in front of Hamilton but at least he could blame his two friends taunts and sweet implications if Alex wasn't interested. Of course, he wasn't sure how to react with Hercules words. A soft whine that declared to all interested in the sodomite: "he's coming ouuuuut".

John knew his friend only meant the best and was drunk off his ass but it didn't help John's blush or the stares they were getting from the crowd. However, one thing it was good for was letting the man's eyes widen as he realised something. His features lit up as he seemed ready to introduce himself.

_Intelligent eyes in a hunger-pang frame_

The man was pretty thin, almost unhealthily thin, which went well with his scrappy and hungry look that only made him more attractive to John. Alex's eyes lit up at Hercules deceleration and John was seriously wondering if Alex saw an opportunity with him. It was weird but also exciting and as the man opened his mouth to speak, all his features brightened and seemed to leap off the man.

He looked about five years younger and much sexier. And that smile, which stretched out his entire face like a Cheshire cat was doing almost supernatural things to his heart. He could swear his heart skipped about 50 beats. He had never been attracted to anyone before and if that wasn't already being shattered into a million pieces in such a simple encounter, then when he opened his mouth...

_And when you said “Hi,” I forgot my dang name_

It was a simple word given off by the face of a seemingly simple man who was clearly slightly embarrassed at the meeting. It provided another connection if that mans smile hadn't provided enough comfort and kindness already, but now the man seemed genuinely happy and talkative. John still had a harsh blush and could feel the penetrating eyes of his friends on his back who were clearly drinking in the slightly strained encounter with obvious pleasure at the union of the two men.

Any witticism or joke that John could have come up with to show off a better part of his personality of be more welcoming to the man was quickly abandoned like his father raising his children properly after John's mother had passed away. Remembering times like that when he had to look after so many of his siblings while his father recessed into a cold, uncaring shell had been difficult but he had survived through perseverance and luck.

Those memories were not welcome in a situation such as this, especially when he was only a few feet apart from the first person he had ever been attracted to. It was embarrassing really and he should have known better but he was too caught up in the moment and brief flashes of his past were not helping either way.

He eventually stuttered out a "S-sam Adams" as he cautiously looked back at his friends. Alex was clearly confused and was probably wondering why the hell he was talking to a strange guy like John. But John was desperately looking back at his friends who were smirking and acting like they didn't know what was going on. It was unfair and cruel, he thought, but it wasn't this fault he had never had to deal with an attractive guy before.

_Set my heart aflame, ev’ry part aflame_   
_This is not a game…_

John was so unused to all these spiralling and whirling feelings and so it was easy to get caught up in the romantic nature of it all and succumb to his desires. But he hated how flippant it had all seemed, looking back - how insignificant the encounter would ultimately come to seem. It was strange, how everyone was so nonchalant and uncaring but to John it was so pivotal.

In a way, it was his first and only love. And to a man no less. But the world continued spinning and as he reflected further, as the flames of despair consumed him and burnt him so painfully from the inside, John wondered if it had all been set up by some higher power. A system designed with the sole intent to aggrivate and ultimately bring the deepest pain to John Lauren's life. He would have wondered what he had done to deserve it but he supposed his mere exsistence may have been a starting point for some to want to bring this upon him.

It was unfair.

_You strike me as a man who has never been satisfied_

A comment of that nature, with a wink, while HE was drinking. John Lauren's decided that the man was a devil and deserved death. But all John could put together in coherent thoughts was the panic that he would die from his heart giving out. It wasn't that it was racing; he couldn't even feel his heart. He wasn't sure if that was his heart having completely stopped at the words that were suggestively hummed to him by the sexy man sitting now inches apart from him, or if his heart was racing so fast it would explode.

Either way, he didn't want his encounter with the man to end.

_I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. You forget yourself_

He had to think those straight thoughts. Or at least, since he had never had those, more normal, placid thoughts. Ones of his siblings, or home or even his mother came to mind and while they didn't stop the tumbling emotions that battered inside of him, it was relaxing none the less.

He wasn't sure why he had wanted to put Alex in his place with that last part although he supposed it was more to calm hos own raging emotions and thoughts and wanted to set boundaries before things went completely mental. It was giving him a headache and all the alcohol that now sloshed in his system was doing nothing for his inhibitions but he supposed it was too late now. He hoped he wouldn't regret anything later.

_You’re like me. I’m never satisfied_

The words didn't sound forced or manipulative and there was a sorrow in the man's eyes that seemed to preach a great tragedy and story behind the man. John was glad that Lafayette had turned in to their own rooms many hours prior when night broke as this had allowed the two to have a full conversation. It was scary that they hadn't caught the others name yet but he knew that with so much going on, at least they had a few hours at night to themselves.

Now, they could finally explore each other (;o) emotionally and it was refreshing. Still, he wasn't sure of the other man and decided to proceed with caution.

_Is that right?_

It was better to be cautious and see what the other man was doing. It was easy for John's heart to be broken quickly and he clung to the ideal that if the man wasn't who John could truly like, then John may be able to keep some scraps of his heart. Still, John could downcast and with a lot of misery into his glass of Sam Adams.

_I have never been satisfied_

At this, Alexander Hamilton bumped the two together, shoulder to shoulder. After a minor freak-out at the physical interaction between the two, he quickly calmed down and appreciated the bond of the two. It was comforting and even the slightest bit erotic if he could go so far.

_My name is John_ _Lauren's_

A small blush crept up like a teenage girl to an attractive man. It was embarrassing but he found that he wanted to give at least a somewhat strong impression to the man. His voice went lower and softer as he tried to look his best to the man. He swept a small stray curl from his hair that had clung to his face was then quickly shoved behind his ear.

_Alexander Hamilton_

At that, he gently took John Lauren's hand in his own and held it gently but with a strong conviction. It only increased his blush and humiliation but it also gave John the strength to lean forwards with some more seductiveness and passion.

_Where’s your fam’ly from?_

The mans face was slightly panicked and John swore internally with worry he had made the man afraid of him. But that familial sadness and pain that swept from his eye told John otherwise and seemed to suggest there was a hidden story to Alex.

That was why he wasn't too surprised by the mans response.

_Unimportant. There’s a million things I haven’t done but_   
_Just you wait, just you wait…_

He nervously rubbed the back of his neck in caution and some concern. A blush softly imprinted itself on his face, especially at the soft comment that escaped from his lips:

"Like marry you..."

It was so quiet and yet held many meanings. However, the words were almost lost on John due to their audio and he thought that it had been a fantasy. Still, looking at his engagement to Elizabeth Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton didn't know how to pace himself so now John may have missed his most important chance at happiness in life.

That hurt.

But he held so much confidence and assurance with his last words, as though he knew his whole life and legacy and what was held out before him. It left John with such a strong impression that he didn't sleep a second that night as he considered everything about Hamilton. His face, his words, that sexy accent.

He even rolled and swirled the letters of the mans name in his mouth. It was tantalising and unique and awakened feelings he didn't think himself capable of.

_So so so—_   
_So this is what it feels like to match wits_   
_With someone at your level! What the hell is the catch?_

He pulled his hair and fluttered around his small room at the top of the inn. The world seemed to tint pink and everything glowed with a new sense of wonder and perspective. It was enlightening and engulfed him in a pleasure he didn't think was humanly possible.

He could feel hearts fly out of him as he told Lafayette and Hercules all about that night who both seemed to share knowing smiles and glances of affection with each other. It was rather sweet if slightly weird but John was too en-captured in the man he had been sharing stories and tales of affection with.

And he wasn't even in any kind of relationship with the man. It was somewhat depressing with all these flowing feelings but he buried that as he held values and hopes for some kind of relationship.

_It’s The feeling of freedom, of seein’ the light_

He danced in a completely camp and free manner but with all that was colliding and reacting inside him was crashing together to produce the freedom that he was expressing now. He was free from the tyrannical rein of his father, the oppressive nature and role he was forced to fulfill in his family and as the son of a respected man in South Carolina.

He hadn't anticipated this when he joined the revolution but he definitely wasn't regretting it.

_It’s Ben Franklin with a key and a kite! You see it, right?_   
_The conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes_

He knew it had lasted much, much longer but everything blurred together but he could only remember effective fragments. He vividly remembered the feelings and passion that the two had shared that he was now helplessly trying to express to his friends.

_Ev’rything we said in total agreement, it’s_   
_A dream and it’s a bit of a dance_   
_A bit of a posture, it’s a bit of a stance._

He grabbed Lafayette in a too friendly love and in the mass of emotions that left him twirling the French man to a state of in balance before quickly skirting off. He was directionless and unsure of how to deal with everything but he knew better than to get himself killed so he mainly stayed in a internal debate with his overwhelming feelings.

_He’s a Bit of a flirt, but I’m ‘a give it a chance_

Normally, that flirtatious attitude would have worried John, especially since he wasn't sure what he could actually offer someone, but when it was aimed at him... well all that seemed to vanish.

It was that damn smile.

_I asked about his fam’ly, did you see his answer?_

He should have expected some sarcastic comment from the french man but John was trying to be serious. They could discuss Alexanders desire to "do" John later.

_His hands started fidgeting, he looked askance?_   
_He’s penniless, he’s flying by the seat of his pants_

The John who could only hopelessly watched the unwinding events of prior weeks had whispered that to him. As if he could communicate to John that Alex desired a wealthy woman, a wealthy family. And even if John could offer him that, they were both men so things would never work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I cut this off here. This took me like 3 hours and I'm really starting to run out of steam. Now I'm unsure of how many chapters there will be, but I'm really enjoying this.


	4. Three Fundamental truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little tough to write due to some writers block in some cases so sorry for it being a bit late but once again I hope you all enjoy this. I also realised I never gave the couple any small quiet moments or explained why John loved the man so much so i tried to redeem it here... not sure if it worked though. Finally (I promise) I had alter some of the lyrics and it felt weird and like sacrilege but hopefully I didn't mess up too much.

_Handsome, boy, does he know it!_

No one, no matter how hard they tried, could deny the attractiveness of the man. It was carved eternally into the aura of the Caribbean man. Despite only coming to about five foot seven in height, within a small frame contained beauty too good for this earth. His auburn hair which brightened a room like the beginnings of Spring, rosy cheeks that held staunch bravery and infinite fearlessness, and a wide, well-carved mouth. John would never forget that mouth - no matter how hard he tried. There were other features to note; his nose, with its flaring nostrils and irregular line, was especially strong and striking as well as his jaw which would be forever chiselled and combative. They all came into making the image of the man who would leave a deep mark on all who befell his face.

All of that, in only a few short weeks, had been ripped and pummelled from John and abandoned him for the rest of his life. His slim and elegant nature and body, with thin shoulders and shapely legs that gave him the posture and position of a truly great man, would vanish from John's life.

And John could do nothing. But there was no conceivable or realistic way to communicate that to his ignorant younger self. Instead, he watched in mourning like someone at a funeral as his past self endlessly adored and gesticulated to all he could at the beauty of the man he had at one point called both a best friend and lover. He supposed he was watching a funeral; of the relationship with the only person he could ever be happy with.

The one.

_Peach fuzz, and he can’t even grow it!_

His "beard" stood apart from all other features of Alexander, like his mind. True, it wasn't the most attractive or pleasurable area of the man but John could lose himself in the beard. In its rough and course nature, the endless scruffy state that the tiny little hairs perpetually endorsed, even as they desperately tried to further pounce into the world.

John loved Alexanders subtle defence and quiet love for the thing; how it seemed to validate his masculinity as well as age the man in ways his natural figure could not. John also loved the ways it would ground him on the few nights they could spend in bliss, wrapped in each other from the drop of the graceful moon to the agonising rising of the cursed sun. How it would remind John where he was, lost in the arms and strength of his lover, and not in constant pain under the tyranny of South Carolina or juggling death on the battlefield.

John loved the gentle rough marks left from the beard as Alex buried his face further into John's shoulder. How it would prove, beyond all other moments of joy and contention in the two's affair, that Alexander was truly there for him and cared for him. Him.

That was the greatest honour John could ever have. The validation from someone he loved.

_I wanna take him far away from this place_

During other gentle private moments that the two were afforded, when they were far from the comfort of their dank tent and beds, they held small promises to each other. These acted as mantras and values to hold close to the others heart so, even during the toughest of time, they could know there was something to hold onto and want and win the next battle for.

One of them, that John had once stated after Alex had worked himself into a stupor after three consecutive days or relentless work, was this: "when the revolution is done, my dearest Alexander, we will go far from here, see and build a new great nation,and become figures that history will hold in high regard and care. And we will do it together." This had all been repeated at various times in various ways many times prior to this encounter but this soft repetition when moral was down was especially important.

In addition, the last part of the statement had been giving another meaning for the men to dwell upon; an non-discussed possibility for the pair seemed to be ripped open with this comfort; an offer to be together forever. There was far too many barriers that made this a dream rather than an available reality but in that moment, it had felt so real and too good.

So John had held it close to his heart, even if Alexander was to forget it or laugh it off at the slightest mention. He had held it to his heart like a biblical text was viewed by his father. But of course things couldn't be that simple and a dream was just that. Because...

_Then I turn and see this girl's face and she is just…_

He could hardly recognise the girl despite her being a Schuyler sister since he had never had an eye for the ladies like his fellow soldiers and friends seemed to be able to. Still; it was obvious of her wealth and status. The fancy dress, the many ogling eyes of men and envious glares of women from the fellow patrons of the ball could tell anyone everything. And one thing was very clear on her face, she was:

_Helpless…_

Her sister, Angelica as John would find out later and not Peggy although he wouldn't be surprised if that poor girl also had a crush on Alexander, grimaced from beside Eliza, the woman who was so affectionately and helplessly staring at Alex. From then, John should have been able to recognise a fellow being who was suffering from the influence of Alexander's being but John was distracted by the disheartening realisation that was rapidly raging rambunctiously inside him. Because, despite all that was going through his head, he would be an idiot to not know.

_And I know she is…_

He could only glare at the pitiful form of his past self that was almost impossible to recognise or feel anything towards. John was forming so many truths and justifications for the actions that he both wanted and didn't want to occur. So John could only stand there, helpless like the girl he was glaring at as realisation dawned like the relentless sun upon him.

_Helpless…_

She whispered in  a jubilant manner to her sister who with a soft grimace that was aimed far away from Eliza. The woman began making her way towards Alexander as Eliza stood there with a mixture of terror and excitement dancing across her face.

_And her eyes are just…_

John wondered if Alex or anyone else ever saw that same, almost pitiful look that swayed and set inside the girls eyes at that moment. It was unbearable, so John had to dart his eyes far away from the sight that stood near him. He had to avert his eyes from the crushing reality that slowly set in and squeezed down upon him.

_Helpless…_

A blush crept and smeared itself across Eliza's face like the ones that John often wore around Alexander, even during some of their less intense meetings together. He couldn't fault the women for that but he wondered whether it was fair that she could display it so publicly for all to say when John had been restricted so that only the eyes of Alexander could see it.

_And I_ _realise_

Through all the pain and regret that would quickly gnaw and consume all his thoughts he allowed himself to elicit a small smile that hardly reached his cheeks as he was hit with the resolve that only three unavoidable truths could give him. If he had been able to see their three faces at that moment, he wondered what the three slides would show; his, a perfect portrait of misery, Eliza's; one of wonder and love. And although Angelica's would forever remain a mystery, he wondered if it was a stoic face that masked its own pain and grievances.

_Three fundamental truths at the exact same time…_

When he saw Angelica arrive at her destination with so much grandeur and grace that was expected of herself, he knew without a doubt that women like her where what was meant for Alexander. It cemented his views that someone like John was unable to truly satisfy someone like Alexander but despite that... he couldn't just stand back anymore. He had to do something: find some courage, resolve and be like the soldier he was. To fight for Alexander and their relationship. Looking back, he was curious and very contemplative on how everything would have unfolded if he had stepped in. If he had disrupted the two or the ball through some event. Would Alexander be his? Or would John be mocked and further isolated from all he cared about?

This choice and the many consequences were taken away from him through a gentle but affirmative hand that rested on his arm. John had already dropped his arm and turned slightly back but he knew that the resolve would have crumbled after a few seconds. He would forever thank Lafayette; the beautiful, amazing French man would be forever a man John loved, even if it was not the same love he held for Alexander.

Just the thought of the mans name brought tears to his face that he had to turn away further to keep Alexander from noticing. If he did, then John may have faced many more pains but he was separated from the event and that was enough. After all, there were three very good reasons why his fate was one he wanted to object to.

_Number one                                                                                                                      I’m a guy in a time in which_  
_My role is to be part of the norm_

In the future, like the changing tunes of revolution, where new ideals were being flung into society, perhaps John wouldn't feel so oppressed. Where he wouldn't have to be in hiding and secretive. Where he could be satisfied.

_My father wants control so I have to behave myself for him_

Tyrannical was not a strong enough description for Henry Lauren's. He detested deviance and any kind of person who opposed his restrictive views. He had been glad of the revolution in some ways, but warned that without caution, the country would be to free. He feared slavery may be abolished or sodomites may run wild. John could hardly argue with his father, after having been socialised that way after so many years. His mother had provided some good values before she had passed onto a better world but John knew that a lot of his inner hatred and feelings were tainted and stemmed from his Father.

So John's father had imposed an almost unreasonable control over John, even after the man had travelled so far away from his reach. As if Martha and his child as well as his siblings didn't act like a weight that kept him perpetually trapped in South Carolina. He loved them all dearly despite his better judgements at times; he thought of them all as family (even in that fashion to his wife who he could never love romantically).

So John was forced down a life where he could never be who he wanted to be but still held the arduous position of continuing his role without complaint.

_So I'm the oldest sibling as well as the wittiest_  
_And the gossip in South Carolina is treacherous_

He loved his siblings dearly but they held no heart or passion for the revolution; too poisoned by their fathers beliefs so there wasn't even any freedom in them. He could never be open with the people who seemed to always cause so much pain for him even if this was unintentional. If he wanted to share even a slightest bit of his thoughts to sweet Martha (his sister that is) then he knew news would soon spread and John would be in an even worse situation than before.

_And Alexander's a man of course_  
_Ha! Why would that make me want him any less?_

If they knew even a single sliver of the feelings he held for Alexander he wasn't sure if he would be alive or would ever be seen by the world after his father was through with him. So what if Alexanders a guy - couldn't he be happy? Didn't anyone want the best for him? No. That was the simple answer. He was merely a pawn - a piece to be used and then thrown away by all around him. So, for Alexander, John could offer him nothing but grief and strife as well as isolation from society as well as nasty rumours from all who could see the two men together when Alexander wasn't married or courting a lady.

So why should he put Alexander through that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to go through all the truths but I was running out of steam and wanted to upload something before the end of the day. Hope you guys enjoy and what I added or when I deviated from the video wasn't too bad. Also I managed to get through a whole minute of this video in this chapter :)


	5. If I tell him that I love him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Going back to school while doing revision and stuff is pretty draining but I love writing this so I'm going to persevere. As always, hope you enjoy.

_Number two!_   
_He's after her cuz she's a Schuyler sister, that elevates his status_   
_I'd have to be naïve to set that aside_

John couldn't help but be somewhat vindictive towards the middle Schuyler sister. He knew she meant no harm to anyone; especially someone like John. But the facts were obvious - even to the sisters, especially Angelica who seemed very sophisticated and above almost everyone in the room in terms of intellect.

Alexander Hamilton had little to his name but he was going far. Anyone who knew the man for even a few minutes would be captivated by his presence and would soon hold his name to their hearts, almost as close as someone would to a lover. John knew some of his bias was seeping through but his heartbeat always seemed to pulse and race when thoughts of the shorter man appeared. Often at the most inappropriate times.

It was one of the quirks of loving the man.

He wasn't sure when his affections turned to "love" but in their years as friends and then in their more intimate encounters a strange but wonderful bond had formed. John had deluded himself into believing that the feelings on both sides had been mutual but he was sure that after that night, he would never welcome and embrace such fantasies of romance ever again.  
But Alexander was going to go far and he needed a wife who was not only worthy of him, but also someone who could share that status and power with him.

It hurt. But John could have no voice in the matter, only reminded by the soft hand that was clasped on his shoulder. They had been in the position for a few compromising seconds so Lafayette hesitantly drew his hand back and with paranoid eyes, receded from John's imminent area. John could do little but haphazardly staring at the unfolding scene. All three of the people he was witnessing had their attentions drawn to each other so he was fairly safe but he knew better than too stare at them too long.

_maybe that is why_   
_He's now married to Eliza, so she's his bride_

John Lauren's could only put on a large smile as an act, similar to his speech at the reception. It had been the first smile he had to put on in what felt an eternity when he was almost certainly sure his thoughts he had been drowning in had only consumed a few minutes of his time at most. In a state he was in like now, time seemed almost unmanageable and completely non-calculable.

_Nice going Angelica, he was right_   
_We will never be satisfied_

Alexanders teasing words, with that totally innocent wink and smirk, had made his heart dance, a million years ago. Now, they only worked like a dagger, fiercely puncturing his heart. He slumped back to his original position, his face buried pitifully in his arms, tears streaking down his face as all of his composure was lost. He didn't know why he should bother with keeping up his appearance when he had nothing left to lose.

But he was reminded of the strength, even during that conversation she had been forced to endure on the front lines during the introduction of Alex and Eliza. So he had to be strong - for Alex, and even for the mans wife who deserved him. He wasn't going to waste the sacrifices he and Angelica had made for the two. After all; John had just been bathing in illusions at the notion of a relationship with Alexander.

Angelica's voice seemed to rise up as she announced her departure from the two who she had set up but they hardly seemed to hear. They were too busy in an intimate conversation and soon went unseen by prying eyes such as John's. He sighed, but held strong. If only by the third fundamental truth that clashed and fought within him in a childish manner.

_Number three!_   
_I know Alex like I know my own mind_   
_You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind_

To Alexanders enemies, or even many of his friends, these words would not be the right words you could connotate to someone like Alexander. His intelligence was something many could note and write paragraphs, as well as truly appreciate. However, it was his mouth - for debates, to speak his mind. His burning passion and emotions were always to note for someone like Alexander.

His looks, of course, were readily noted by the many women who had both been deflowered or had enviously desired to be penetrated by Alex, would note. But John, wanting to always feel special, noted all the small details. The many people would miss or would refuse to admit. His kindness, was often unfairly left out. His supportive smile which always offered an objective perspective or viewpoint to those he was unopposed to, even if few others were being helpful to said person. Alexander wanted to go far but rarely would he put himself above another, especially for people Alexander could sympathise with or understand.

Alexanders snores, which although quite quiet, would often wake Lauren's up. They were like small snorts, breath being released and dancing across the nape of John's neck during their passionately embrace together. The sweet, submissive innocence that was only allowed to John in there more private moments, the image that Alex so tirelessly worked to keep up now shattered for John only. It was inspiring, but also a sharp reminder of who Alex was.

He also knew the gentleness Alex gave to his lovers. The mans attention to details on his lovers was impeccable and showed how he placed them above himself. Or maybe that was just for John, but John had never deluded himself that far for some unknown reason. He supposed it didn't matter, at the end of the day, Alexander would never be his.

_If I tell him that I love him we'd stay at each others side_

It was a fantasy, yes, but John could dream and he hoped that the two had built a strong enough relationship where the two could be above everyone. But he knew this was just blinding himself to reality - but now he supposed it didn't matter too much. The best parts of their relationship had been the danger, the excitement, the deal that one day it would vanish and so they should treasure each encounter closely. Even if his heart mutinied at the idea, he had to lie and build walls to hide the truth from himself.

Even if he wanted to believe otherwise, Alexanders own wishes would come above his each and every time (even if the man didn't always realise it himself) so John silently resolved to never reveal his true self so Alexander could get away with being happy and himself. Even if that was a compromise to John. Love was about sacrifices and compromises - and Alex wasn't in love with John. He was to be married and faithful to Eliza and that was what had to be.

He could still dream though...

_He'd be mine_   
_We would say we're fine_   
_We'd be lying_

He could still dream. That the two would be allowed to embrace, to experience bliss as two men. That the revolution would bring new ideals for the men, like the changing seasons. Pure dreams, yes, but ones he would cling to. But John Lauren's had enough experience with the wider world to know things wouldn't improve from then; people would judge them, brand them titles and labels that would destroy the two men and any of their chances at a break in life. They would hurl abuse if not outright murder the two men - their eyes burning with raging passion at the criminals. The two deviants who dared to love.

_But when i fantasize at night, it's Alexander's eyes_   
_As I romanticize what might've been if I hadn't sized him up so quickly_

It was later that night, when things settled in. He was alone in his bed, not for the first time, even after his encounters with Alexander had started. He had resigned himself to sleeping by himself when it all clicked together. Realisations bred inside his mind and soon latched and began to drain John. As he realised that no longer would John be in the comfort of Alexander. Whether the other man was hugging and protecting John or John was doing the same to Alex. Now, only the ghost of a person could attempt any kind of comfort, even as the tears streamed pitifully down his face.

He could still regret having put up no resistance or challenge but it was all for Alexander, as he kept reminding himself, and that would have to keep him satisfied.

_At least that girl Eliza's his wife_   
_At least I keep his eyes in my life._

Above all the loss or scars to his heart, as long as the revolution continued and for many nights after, John would continue to have Alexanders presence in his life. Even if it wasn't what he truly wanted, it would have to be enough. At least, even as the days and nights stretched further and further on and distance would separate their hearts and minds, John would keep a remnant of Alexander with him. The image of his dazzling violet blue eyes would forever shine and cloud his eyes.

That would have to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left :0 I cant believe its all coming to an end. Sorry if this chapter is weird and a bit awful but everything's been so weird right now and I'm really not sure if this was that good. Once again, comments and kudos are loved and appreciated and I should have the final chapter by Thursday.


	6. Who will be satisfied?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god where did this week go. I've only got a few weeks to exams for a month so I don't know when I'll post my next work but thanks for all the kudos and support on this work. I know this took a while but hopefully it was worth it and we'll see what happens in the future.

He didn't realise Lafayette had slipped out of the reception until he hard the French mans soft words of comfort. "Lauren's are you all right?" John could guess, therefore, that the man had been studying him for awhile. Normally, John would be embarrassed or angry and John would soon come to despise the actions he would ordinarily take. But, tonight was different.

This was all for Alexander, after all, and John had gone through a whirlwind of emotions already in the process of just a few short minutes. He could hear Angelica begin to wrap up her speech. He realised, in those final closing moments, that he needed to throw himself in front of the stage before the curtain falls and the spotlights die out. Like his chance with Alexander.

He wasn't sure what he would do but he forced a huge smile on his face for Alexander. He knew it started off as a meek quirk of the lips that would make smiles feel offended if put under the same category. He charged past the French man who could only watch with caution and strong confusion and care. In the few seconds before he met Angelica's side at the reception, he knew what he needed to do.

They had both sacrificed so much for this moment and John was not going to ruin it all. He would be strong, and let Alexander walk away with someone much more deserving of the place he desired to be. If that wasn't a token of their love and care for the man, then they never had a chance with him anyway.

They could do this.

He was already severely drunk so it was with a haphazard hand that he clasped a glass of red wine, and joined Angelica for the last chorus of her speech.

_To the groom!_

They both shouted at the top of their lungs, the echo reverberating around the rooms, quickly accompanied by the other drunk guests at the wedding. The noise and general atmosphere seemed to shroud the two's voices and sad faces in a light of joy and comfort. All the male attendants cheered the groom who was staring with obvious love and happiness - first at his wife, and then at the two who were given their biggest cheers as best man and maid of honour.

The two may have noticed if their eyes weren't screwed tightly shut to block out the sight of the happy couple, as well as to keep the gates that shielded the tears that would soon stream from their eyes. If they saw Alexanders face; the two may have sunken to a new depression of endless wanderings of naive what ifs and desperate dreams and desires.

As it was, they remained strong. As it was, they valiantly continued the chorus they had started, even as many of the guests knew where it was going.

_To the bride!_

Angelica ran at her sister in an uncharacteristic manner that surprised many; until the woman gently stooped a few feet apart from her beloved sister. She held out her arms for an embrace which the younger sister readily accepted. Their embrace would have warmed the coldest of hearts, even if the sorrowful tears that caressed down Angelica's face had not already had the effect.

Meanwhile, John stepped away from the spotlight before anyone also noticed his sadness from which there were few excuses - and even fewer that John could justify in the current situation. Instead, he went to accompany the best man who had watched the scene of the two sisters with admiration and care. John could be jealous of that look which he had once desired solely for himself but he knew to drop that and be happy for what he could get.

Putting a welcoming hand on Alexanders shoulder, he followed up Angelica's vow as a sister to the new married couple with his own position as a best friend to Alexander. It felt weird, after all they had been through and done and their history together, to refer to himself to Alex as a mere best friend to the man. But he could manage. Especially as for a few sweet moments Alexanders gorgeous smile and glittering eyes displayed nothing but affection for John.

But that moment was interrupted by John himself before his heart could be shattered in any more ways as he wrapped a protective arm around Alexander, conveying solidarity and promises. He promised to be:

_always by your side_

Angelica had made a similar promise to Eliza while tears ran mercilessly down and John could feel his own body lose its stoic composure but at that point Alexanders normally frustratingly frivolous eyes were trained intrepidly on John. Clear care was enriched in the sparkles in his eyes but John knew better than to believe his presence had caused any of the love that seemed to be bouncing off the man - care, yes, but not love.

The stars that shone in Alexanders eyes did not seem to fade, even as John lost more and more of the wall he had been building up for this exact moment.

 _To your union_  
_And the hope that you provide_  
_May you always_  
_be satisfied!_

He finally let go of Alexander, even as his heart spat words of treachery at his body and mind. He allowed Alexander to go and embrace Eliza in a passionate embrace that while was euphoric for the couple, seemed to only smear the loss of John and Alexander. The two knew it was unintentional but it didn't help their cases as they turned away before they were exposed by any malicious parties at the ceremony.

Angelica was keeping strong with her strong posture and loud voice while John's voice went uncannily soft and humble. He gave his last words of congratulations and hope for the couple before departing from the ceremony.

 _And I know_  
_He'll be happy at her side_

After finding a corner far away from anyone he could know, he comforted himself with the idea that Alexander would be happier at Eliza's side then his. He had softly told Lafayette to not wait for him and he was now happy for having a few moments of peace.

He carefully pulled out a letter, carefully placed it on his leg before carefully unfolding it. It's contents were, now at least, of little relevance but he still appreciated it. If nothing else, it was evidence of the short time he had truly been able to be happy and love someone. He told himself that at least he had been able to experience it - something many people in lesser situations was not allowed. Finally, tears that had been building were released but even then he was careful for them to not stain something that he would always hold even above his own life.

 _He will never be satisfied_  
_I will never be satisfied_

" **Cold in my professions, warm in friendships, I wish, my Dear Lauren's, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you**."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... that's it. I have loved writing this even as it's eating at most of my free time between revising and hanging out with friends. Hope you guys all enjoyed it as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it despite the angst and the weird ending. I really enjoyed writing this despite some concerns but I know it's far from perfect so any amendments or suggestions for improvements would be much appreciated.
> 
> Should update every 2-3 days.
> 
> (I'm an idiot for not changing the lyrics into italics but now that has been rectified).


End file.
